Was yesterday, not today...
Took the bike out for the first time in two years. Was supposed to go get a 2016 safety inspection but ended up stranded. Battery died. The battery was on a tender the whole time, too. The bike was sputtering like a plug was bad and I also noted the horn stopped working (that's a fail for the safety inspection). My wife came with the jumper cables. I let the bike sit for maybe 5 min with the two vehicles connected and then cranked the bike. It no longer sputtered, not even after the cables were removed. The horn also started working. It was a totally different bike after the jump, which is odd.
I got a new battery today, a TX14 (was using a BS-12 before that). The bike acted fine.
Oh, and the rear brake pedal bottoms out without any braking whatsoever. I'll bleed them today.