The Great Street Squid
By Steve Keener
Via Architeuthis (The Great Street Squid)
Local bike shops, street corners, backroads (With no curves)
Bright, loud, obnoxious. Commonly the male of the species has multiple anodized bike parts that match the coloration of the rest of the bike. Colors may vary, but are generally offensive to the eye.
Most often seen on a large bore bike with tires in poor condition. (In the center, the sides are most often unused.) Can be seen quickly accelerating in a straight line. This species seems to have great trouble with negotiating turns. Current theory seems to lean towards the possibility that the cognitive time/space abilities are not fully developed. Either that or a lack-o-skill. Tests are being done to fully explore the divergent theories.
Growth & Reproduction:
The growth of the male of the species seems to be arrested around the 12th year of life. This can be seen quite clearly when observing the critter in it's favorite habitat....a motorcycle speed shop. The obvious posturing and crowing are for the purposes of determining relative ranking within the pack. (Silimar to a wolf pack...only wolves don't squeak.)
let's hope not.
Now that we know some basics about the Via Architeuthis I can properly relate my weekend activities. I hadn't done any maintenance in quite a while on my 1999 Suzuki TL1000R. (aka The Funky Chicken...it IS yellow.) After changing the oil, adding spools and a few other tidbits I was ready to go out for a spin on a gorgeous 72 degree day. Hmmmm....where do I go. Heck...how about the local speed shop. Why not. Leaving my development I run into a prime example of Via Architeuthis on a CBR900RR. Said cephalopod followed me to he local gas staion and asked about riding. I mentioned my destination. Architeuthis replied that it needed to go clean the bike. (Already cleaner than my just wiped down bike.) We parted ways. I felt lucky. How often do you run into a friendly Via Architeuthis after all?
I meander down to the local speed shop. Upon parking my trusty steed I almost immediately accosted by yet another example of Via Architeuthis. And what a prime example. Striking coloration, neon green and bright purple! (ZX-9) Color coordinated parts abounded. Anodized bar ends, foot pegs, and fairing bolts. Yes, this was the creature at it's most glorious! The teuthid in question yelled that several others had left the poor creature without an audience for his riding skills and was I interested in going riding. I demurred politely and roamed inside. After perusing the helmets (Need a new one...mine is 2 years old.) I made to leave the shop. The first Giant Street Squid of the day appeared. (This was a friendly squid.) Upon being asked to ride with the two of them, and having nothing else to do, I asked myself 'how bad could it be?' Little did I know.
We left the shop and began a relatively short ride. The prime squid promptly began highspeed runs for no reason in an area frequented by those blue lighted denizens of the deep. Needless to say I didn't raise to the bait. Anybody can twist a throttle in a straight line. We progressed further into the ride....and dare I say it...I saw a ... a.... TURN! Here was a real world test of the skill and cognitive abilities of Architeuthis. He made the turn. Unfortunately I could have pushed his bike faster on foot. Still not conclusive. The rest of the ride was wasted in much the same fashion. Straight line displays of bragadoccio. And curved displays of panties. I decided to bal early before I fell asleep.
Summing up my adventures with Via Architeuthis.